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old poems [Jul. 18th, 2005|10:36 am]
[mood | hungry]
[music |Taking Back Sunday]

*wrote this over two years ago...

under these clothes my body tells a story
a story told in scars
each scar has it's own tail
each tail ends in dispair
these tails entwined make up my life
adding new tails and new memories each time
each time i cut
i cut deep inside
inside my vains the answer lies
the answer to life and death combine
but somehow i fall back inside
inside this cycle i call my life
life that's meaningless and empty of drive
drive to live and drive to die
to live or die is not the question
the question is why even question
__________________________________________

as i sit i loath you more
hating you from behind this door
each breath i take so filled with hate
and i think "Is this my fate?"
hating you with all i am
and what they see is just a sham
there's nothing i have hated more
then that image i see in the bathroom door
that image i see in the mirror at night
that image that i just can't fight
it makes me sick to know that's me
that thing that i don't want to see
it's hated by many and loved by some
this image is so fucking dumb
this image won't cry and'll learn to deal
but it just wishes it couldn't feel
the whole world seems to look at me
sometimes i just don't want to be
i hate myself with all i have
even though i'm all i have
__________________________________

i'm holding on
as tight as i can
i don't want to fall
and get hurt again

i trust you more
then i trust myself
i trust you some much
it's bad for my health

your word was the one thing
i always counted on
now that i've lost that
i wonder where it's gone

i'm a man of my word
and my word is all you need
your word has gone away
now i lay here left to bleed
__________________________________________

it's not hard to detach yourself
it's really quite simple you see
imagine a rope between you and something else
now take a knife and cut it in two
it's as easy as that
our relationship has been cut and retied
time and time again
our rope is running out of space
no room to cut or tie it back up
eventually the knots are just going to all slip apart
then our rope won't be able to be fixed
but maybe that's what you want.............
_______________________________________________

ignored forgotten and not looked at
you pretend like i'm not even here
we mid as well not be together
because it'd hurt a lot less then this fear

it hurts to feel like you're forgotten
it hurts i'm the one you don't see
i worry and care what you think
but it's not like you think about me

i want to see and be around you
i want you to worry about me
i want you to think of what i'm doing
i want you to want to see me

as much as i don't want this drama
as much as i hate all the stress
as i'm starting to care more about you
you start to care about me less and less

so please just show me some feelings
please just know that i'm here
please just care for me a little
and try to catch ever last tear
___________________________________

just a bunch of old shitty poems
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(no subject) [Jun. 25th, 2005|10:53 am]
[mood | confused]
[music |mr brightside]

its crazy to think that these people are done with this part of their lives. they have successfully finished high school, they are going to college, or working, or being lazy lol either way they're doing something new with their days. i've seen so many of these people skating, falling, having their hearts broken, breaking hearts, having fun, partying, i've seen a lot of them cry and i've seen them laugh a lot. its amazing how i'm about to go to this graduation and i know all these people, life is weird, who knows where it'll take you. well Congratulations Class of '05!!!!!

i'm so proud of everyone!

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20% [Jun. 18th, 2005|12:51 pm]
START with 100% and SUBTRACT 5% for each thing you've done on the list. Then put the percentage as your subject, copy, and repost to compare with your friends.

1. smoked
2. drank
3. hook up with someone while drunk
4. done drugs
5. given a handjob/gotten a handjob
6. french kissed
7. felt someone up/been felt up
8. given a blow job/gotten a blowjob
9. made out with 2 dif people in a 12 hour period
10. had sex
11. had a threesome
12. watched porn
13. made your own sex tape
14. done any sexual act on a school campus
15. peed on someone's lawn while drunk
16. had sex/messed around in your room while your parents were home
17. had sex/messed around in a public place or somewhere where there was at least one person present
18. gotten caught having a party
19. used sex toys
20. snuck into someone's room/your own room after being out
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wishing it were august [Jun. 5th, 2005|10:13 am]
[mood |lost]
[music |dashboard-for you to notice]

i wish i could move to jersey earlier. everything is set too. we have a place to live, my moms going transfer my records when school ends, and i'm gone like last nights chill. there isnt very much keeping me here. and even less now. i mean how the hell am i supposed to feel when the few people that have been telling me so much how bad they want me to stay, dont call me once in a matter of a week or even ask me wht i'm doing or if i wanna hang out at all. whatever. i didnt want to admit it but they were part of the reason i was moving in the first place.

on a slightly better note a good friend of mine is coming home tonight and i dyed my hair again yesterday. same red and black but it needed it lol.

so i already wrote down on my calander the days im coming back to this shit hole durring the school year. christmas break.....and maybe my birthday. not that anyone would do anything for me on my birthday despite the fact that for every single one of my friends b-days i try to go all out and try to give them a really good time, because no body's ever done that for me. except for that one year at the diner, truthfully that one nasty piece of chocolate cake and that stupid song on the jukebox were more then i got the few years before that, and especially this past year. i mean what kind of shit had loses their best friend and their boyfriend a week before their birthday. only me. wish i'd never screwed my life up so bad. i guess annie is right every time she leaves me one of those bitchy comments. whatever. after this summer these people will hardly see me again. that should make their lives easier.

fuck this i'm taking a shower. I FUCKING HATE EMO MUSIC!!!
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happy? could it be? [Jun. 2nd, 2005|10:15 pm]
[mood | happy]
[music |country music.....hahah]

well for some reason i've been insanely happy lately its strange but i like it. i'm look so forward to moving. i'm hopefully gonna be having a huge ass going away party because thats how i roll. and i basicly want everyone to be there even people i havnt talked to A LOT in awhile or people i've lost touch with. i'm leaving this place with no hard feelings towards anyone. so this summer is going to be insane and i'm not allowing myself any pain or stife or angst over anything, everything is just chill this summer. and its gonna be great! it damn well better be lol. well i'm going to pass out now peace
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prom [May. 21st, 2005|10:27 am]
[mood | depressed]

its prom night and all i wanna do is curl up in a ball and disappear....i dont wanna go i dont wanna leave my house. nothing is gonna work out i can already feel it. and i dont mean with prom i mean with everything in my life. nothing is going to end up "ok" its gonna be shit...i should just move to the city with my mom. leave all this behind. leave behind all the trends, the trend setters, the posers, te bashers, the preps, the whores, leave behind faint memories and fake friends, leave behind the stress and drama. leave behind the rumors, the stories, the bets, leave behind the gossip and the back stabbing, leave behind these towns and schools, leave it all here and run....sometimes i really wonder if thats the only way out of all this. i dont know how to deal with it all anymore....its getting to be too much. i cant stand hearing new rumors, or the latest bet on my love life, i cant stand the threats, the back stabbing, the abandonment, i cant stand the cold shoulders, or the lies...i dont wanna see it, hear it, feel it, or know about it. i wanna be oblivious to it all. i wanna be blissful and happy, i wanna be invisable again.

and if who ever the fuck is starting those bets about me is reading this...you better bet i'll find out who the fuck you are.
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once again long time [May. 5th, 2005|09:42 pm]
[mood | happy]

its been a long time since i've written in here. i just need to get a lot of shit out. so i'm excited about prom i went prom dress shopping almost two weeks ago and got a really awesome dress that i look good in (not to be full of myself or anything lol) and as people know jen and i had been fighting but we talked shit over and we decided to be friends a couple weeks ago and tonight i took her out to dinner and didnt let her pay anything cuz it was my treat. we cought up and talked about a lot of shit and i must say i missed her soooo fuckin much!!!! i really did love the hell outa that girl it makes me wanna cry that i almost completly lost her in all forms of a friend. on a similar note gabby and i are friends again too. i took her to the mall last night (i drove (with my mom of course)) and we picked out a tiara hehehe for my prom cuz i'm a loser like that. chris and i are still together. my cats ear is fucked up. hanging out with jen reminds me of all the secrets i know of hers still that i didnt tell anyone. i finally gave her back her shit tonight. and for some reason i really wanna cry not sure why lol i'm just gay like that. maybe because i havnt had a full whole hearted good cry in a long time and i'm way over due lol. i babysat this week which was easy and gave me a little extra pocket change so i wouldnt have to take so much from my mom. bought my prom tickets finally. i am sooo glad that i took jen out to dinner tonight. this past weekend was a really amazing weekend. i had so much fun and i love all my friends so fucking death!!!!!!!! ok well i'm gonna go wash myself and shit i'll prolly update in another like three weeks haha. lol later gator
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wayne's world style [Apr. 21st, 2005|09:48 pm]
[mood | happy]

my mom just picked me up from chris' house and on the way home bohemian rhapsody came on the radio and my mom and i are singin away to it...and amazingly enough she knows the whole song....so everyone knows the classic wayne's world moment when they're in the car and that song is on and it breaks into the reall fast hard part and they all start head banging....well that was my mother and i...just the two of us head banging (whiel my mother is driving mind you).....the two if us just looked at eachother and started laughing hystaricly...so chris picked me up from work again today...he's so good to me...and we hung out...went to wal*mart with his mom and dad (that was about as much fun as a barrel of monkey shit hahahah) it wasnt horrible we went off and walked around...chris got hit on by this really really old short lady and we just acted like assholes....then we ran into two chicks from my school (kristen and kate) who wern't event here together we just all were in the same place...weird lol and we stood and talked about dresses, prom, nails hair, and misc. shit like that lol....sounds a lot girlier then it really was haha...so i just had a really good day....i'm goin to the city this weekend for shopping....woo hoo prom YES! lol i'm excited and shit...well i just got told about me stealing the car lol and my sister knowing lol and she just laughed at me and i was like "i wont steal the car again :D" lol it was kinda scary and now i feel bad lol. so im off to bed. i may have a big night with some lovely liberty gals i know and love hehehe night yall
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macdonalds [Apr. 19th, 2005|09:13 pm]
[mood | happy]

ugh i hate eating this stuff it makes me feel gross....but i still do it...yuck. Chris finally came back today and i saw him. he picked me up from work and we went and got pizza and washed his car then hung out at his house. i fell asleep in his arms for like a half hour...i think he just sat there having a conversation with me hahahahhaha he's so cute...anyway so we just hung out watched a movie and i eventually went home. wow the extent of joy in my day consists of hanging out with my boyfriend...is that a little pathetic??? oh well. i'm gonna go shower it up and watch tv later
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monday night [Apr. 19th, 2005|12:04 am]
[mood | cheerful]
[music |nashville star]

so its monday night, chris is stuck up in Buffalo since sunday morning till tomorrow morning cuz his brother's wife just had their baby..thats cool but i miss him :(. so sat i hung out with gabby all day sat. then hung out with chris for a little while before he left for beefalo....hehe..then i went bowling and shit and to the diner...same for friday (bowling and diner). then sunday i uh...went and hung out with gabby then we went to camp and hung out with tay and sam :D lol and we hung around sitting on the roof and shit (i missed all three of them). then jen agreed we should talk and she came to camp and i talked to her in the car. shits better she apologized because she thought i just came out and was telling people shit but whatever fuck the drama i really dont give a shit about the drama or the "he said" "she said" bullshit. whatever i'm happy right now with shit the way it is. anyway i just realized how much of a hick i am...im watchin' Nashville star and one of the contestants was like "in eniciation to FFA..." well needless to say i'm in FFA and have been for like three years hahahah. so i've been practicing driving A LOT and im going to do my 5 hr. course soon so that i can go take my driving test heheheheh.....i cant wait. ok i'm headin to bed so i can get up and take a shower and smell nice when i see chris :). night night losers
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wayyyyy too much [Apr. 14th, 2005|11:22 pm]
[mood | happy]

so theres WAYYYYYYY too much for me to tell about. basicly in the last week i lost my best friend. got a boyfriend who i asked to prom and we went and picked out his tux....that would be chris....and started talking to gabby again. i had an amazing weekend hanging out with tay and lindsey and kelley and having so much fun doing a whole lotta nothing basicly. jen is being relaly stupid and immature about this whole friendship thing seeing as how she told me i told everyone her business. when thats not the case but of course she didnt give me the time of day to tell her any of this. she jsut ignored me all weekend and then gave me our notebook with a letter in it blaming me for shit that was DEFINATLY not my fault and telling me basicly that i was a giant piece of shit. and now she wont even give me any of the alcohol i went halves on from the DR because "the $20 i spent on alcohol is nothing compaired to the amount of money her family spent for me to go on that vacation" WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE WANT ME TO DO sell the Fall Out Boy tickets. not pay from my prom dress and work a second job so i can give her dad another $500 dollars that way i dont owe her or her family anything ever again. despite the fact that money doesnt come close to paying me back for all the shit i went through and dif or her. FUCK THAT. i dont need that shit i'm wayyyy too happy with chris to worry about anything like that. but whatever it just goes to show how the one person that used to tell me she wanted me to be happy and all thsi bullshit is the one person who always seemed to bring me down when i was happy. well i'm headin to bed. mostly i'm waiting to see if i hear anythign from chris cuz his sister in law's in labor and he may have to go to buffalo for a week :(. well g-night
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hm.... [Apr. 8th, 2005|06:41 pm]
[mood | bored]
[music |senses fail]

so its been awhile....chris asked me out last night officialy which is really cool. and i had an amazing time on vacation with jen. and right now jen's mad at me dunno what thats about anyway theres not too much to talk about. that and i'm pretty fuckin lazy right now and dont give a damn. later
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the mall....wow [Mar. 28th, 2005|11:56 pm]
[mood | extatic]

so today..as most people know....lol i went to the mall with chris cooper (he's the good chris lol) and mike and mike's gf cera (sarah spelt diff.) so chris picked me up this morning at like 10:30 AM!! CRAZY! lol and we went and picked up cera and headed off for the mall...it was shitty and rainy which really sucked...and we get to middletown no problem...as we're going around this turn the spare on the back of the trucky thing (one of the ones that swings off to the side) swings off to the side cuz chris was being an ass :P and swings back hits the back of the trucky thing and SMASHES the back window IT WAS SO BAD i felt so bad for chris i was like "omg i'm bad luck it has to be me" lol so we get to the mall which is like right around the corner and chris and i go into target and get garbage bags and tape while cera and mike make sure no one steals chris's shit and we get back out to the car and the guys tape up the back window...which was definatly funny to watch...then we get into the mall finally buy tickets for ring 2 and go eat...well the guys ate cera and i wernt hungry..so we walk around for awhile...cera is really funny and awesome her and i talked a lot...then finally we go into the movie....the guys are getting popcorn and soda and shit and cera and i get seats...we were sitting in an empty theater laughing and joking and talking...it was fun she's really awesome i like her a lot...and then we watching the movie which by the way i liked A LOT... it was super scary...chris and i held hands and shit...we didnt kiss...but i do like him hehe...i'm hopfully gonna hang out with him tomorrow since i'm leaving at 4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING ON WED. for vaca., which by the way i cant wait for, lol omg i'm so excited...and i like chris...this really all seems wayyyy to good to be true....hopefully it really isnt...ok well i'm off to PACK FOR VACATION!!!! lol and do some last minute shit...wow i havnt been like this is a long long time....thanks to everyone not just one or two people...although there are a few that are really important in this...my secrete who they are though hehehehe na i bet you can guess and yes if you are asking jesus is one of those people (NOT) lol but jen is and she's as close to jesus as i have hahahahhahaha ok this entry as gone on long enough with me babbeling incesently about nothing anyone wants to read about except maybe my sis....lol ok LATER GATOR
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2005|02:17 am]
so i had easter and it was gay like normal lol not horrible though..tolerable....anyway im going to the mall tomorrow with chris cooper and his friend and his friends gf...as allison would say WOOT WOOT lol went to the diner tonight and hung out and talked to this guy ian for a long time he was really cool and turns out he's dating this chick from my school who i talked to a lot durring summer school and she had told me about him lol sullivan county is too fucking small damnit lol....well i'm finally getting over this gay ass cold JEN GAVE ME :P lol and hopfully i'll have a good day tomorrow at the mall yeee haaa...lol night night
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vacation really starts [Mar. 25th, 2005|10:39 pm]
[mood | happy]

my vacation really started today...it was my last day of work for the next week and a half...jen picked me up and i talked to her about a lot of shit that was really bothering me i think things will be better now...i'm hoping...as she says the turth hurts but lies kill....anyway i'm hoping to have a good weekend...league tomorrow and we BETTER do good well i know the rest of my team will but i'll prolly suck cuz i'm just awesome like that lol and then i just have the rest of the week to chill woo hoo...i cant wait to leave on vacation with jen because i love herto death and its just going to be amazing to go out of the country and shit for the first time and stuff with her YAAY....so tony's sleepin over tonight and we're just chillin and listening to music...hope everyone has a good vacation catch ya on the flip side....later gator
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2005|01:30 pm]
[mood | pissed off]

so jen was supposed to leave this morning to go to PA to pick up devin and lindsey....i worked really realy in the morning and got home at like noon and i just called jen to see where she was and how the trip was going and she was like im' leaving liberty now to go down i was like oh i was like who's with you jessica and mary and she was like jessica couldnt go so i'm bring tony so he doesn't have to sit home all day alone...WHAT AM I FUCKING DOING RIGHT NOW I'M FUCKING SITTING HOME ALL FUCKING DAY ALONE AND DO YOU FUCKING CARE NO YOU FUCKING DONT SO DONT............AS I'VE SAID BEFORE IS ALL ONE SIDED
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2005|10:45 pm]
I am 67% Emo.
Emo Kid ...sniff.
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.
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Put your playlist on random. [Mar. 21st, 2005|09:30 pm]
Put your playlist on random. Take the first 10-15 songs that come up and describe what part of your life, if any, the song reminds you of. If a song gives you absolutely nothing, don't feel bad about skipping it. Some songs haven't yet made memories and we don't want a list full of 'Nothing.' So if you skip 5 songs and find one that does have a memory, use it. Just don't go specifically for ones you KNOW have a memory. We're looking for ones that when they start, you go 'Oh, THAT time!'


1. Ann beretta-Long distance-
reminds me of hanging out with annie and shawn and jamie and thinking i hope this never happenes to me and jamie
2. the used- taste of ink
warped tour '03 with megan and leann...awesome time!!
3. a-teens- cant help falling in love with you
reminds me of when i was dating jamie
4. blink-182-go
i bought this cd while dating jamie when we were going through a rough time and all the lyrics were about making this better and i related to it so much because i just wanted to make things better with jamie and i
5. tokyo rose- saturday every day
the tokyo rose concert when Camp Jardine was at it's peek
6. rufio- one slow dance
when i'm upset i usually listen to rufio to make me feel better so it reminds me of all of A LOT of times when i was upset
7. josie and the pussycats- josie and the pussycats
this was mine and megan's favorite movie and we used to watch it ALL the time and kenw all the songs in it we were such losers but we loved it lol
8. goo goo dolls- iris
this reminds me of gabby because i downloaded it when i was looking for a song for her
9. distorted penguines- cloud 9
this song reminds me of jamie cuz he's the one that made me download it and shawn because he's the one that found them...it always makes me cry...
10. the donnas- i wanna keep on loving you
watching drive me crazy at megan's house with megan and loving this song....also watching this movie with gabby...
11. blaine larsen-how do you get that lonley
this song reminds me of watching CMT with sami in her room and almost crying cuz of this song...i miss her...
12. ann beretta-forget today forget tomorrow
once again reminds me of being in annies car with jamie and shawn....
13. good charlotte-seasons
this reminds me of being with jamie because the song is about being with someone and falling in love and jamie and i used to like good charlotte and both went to the same good charlotte concert and didnt know it or eachother at the time
14. less than jake-we're not gonna take it
this song reminds me of driving with shawn to the fallsburgh elementary school over the summer of '03
15. blink 182- josie
jamie learned how to play this song on guitar for me...it was kind of our song...and the closest i ever got him to play it for me was over the phone for about 5 minutes...he never played it for me in person
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its been awhile [Mar. 21st, 2005|09:04 pm]
[mood | cheerful]
[music |one car funeral]

so i havnt updated since like sat. morning... well chris is now dating this chick from sullivan west and it sucks such huge balls its not even funny...but whatever life goes on...now i just gotta figure out what to do about prom....nothing too exciting happened ...well last night i hung out with laura dan and ant and had A LOT of fun it was awesome....but now i'm sorta out of the dating thing till i find a guy i really like that likes me and i dont think will totaly fuck me over for a fucking pontiac....or a ford...i dunno one of those cars.....anyway i'm going to be bored and lazy ttyl
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battle of the bands [Mar. 19th, 2005|10:46 am]
[mood | impressed]
[music |movie: the other sister...lol]

OH MY GOD....the battle was amazing....it was down right crazy...i did not think it was going to be that good....FaFB (chris's band) came in first!!!! i was so amazed and so proud of all of them they had a lot of energy and sounded AMAZING...Unarmed (bobby tony jamie jared and pat) came in second which i didnt think was going to happen i was almost sure they were gonna be first the crowd went wild for them...it was the most amazing thing i've seen in sooo long....i've been to a number of concerts at that elementary school and not once did i see a crowd go that crazy there...im' so proud of all of them because none of them (besides pat) has ever really played infront of people but they did amazing let me tell you....and one car..who was missing devin when they played....made a lot of people cry including me....they sounded great...and it was a great way to end the show....all the bands were good and i'm so proud of all of my friends....you guys were GREAT!!!!!!!
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